How use Gottman Method with our clients in session

1. Assessment & Relationship Evaluation

The first step involves a thorough assessment of the couple's relationship. The therapist gathers information about the couple's history, communication styles, emotional connection, and areas of conflict. This often includes using the Gottman Relationship Checkup, a comprehensive online questionnaire that helps identify strengths and areas of concern in the relationship. The therapist also looks for specific behaviors that predict relationship success or failure, such as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling).

2. Building a Sound Relationship House

In this phase, the therapist works with the couple to create a "Sound Relationship House," a framework for building a healthy relationship. The foundation includes:

• Build Love Maps: Helping each partner learn more about the other’s inner world—thoughts, feelings, and life experiences.

• Share Fondness and Admiration: Strengthening feelings of respect and appreciation to counteract negative interactions.

• Turn Toward Each Other: Encouraging partners to respond to each other's bids for connection, promoting emotional support and closeness.

3. Enhancing Communication Skills

The therapist helps the couple develop healthier communication techniques, especially for handling disagreements. This includes teaching "I" statements (e.g., "I feel hurt when..."), which express emotions without blaming, and active listening skills, such as reflecting or validating the other partner's feelings. By improving communication, couples can better understand each other's needs and resolve conflicts constructively, rather than resorting to destructive patterns like criticism or defensiveness.

4. Manage Conflict Constructively

The Gottman Method emphasizes that conflict is inevitable, but how it is managed can either strengthen or weaken a relationship. Therapists help couples learn how to manage conflict in a healthy way, with techniques such as:

• Softening startup: Starting conversations gently without blame or criticism.

• Self-soothing: Taking breaks when feeling overwhelmed to prevent escalation.

• Problem-solving: Collaboratively finding solutions to recurring issues, often by agreeing to disagree on some matters and focusing on compromise where possible.

5. Creating Shared Meaning & Rituals of Connection

In this final step, the therapist helps the couple create shared meaning and deepen their emotional bond by exploring their dreams, values, and life goals. This phase encourages partners to engage in rituals of connection—activities or practices that promote intimacy, such as regular date nights or shared hobbies. Strengthening their shared sense of purpose and creating meaningful rituals helps couples cultivate a deeper connection and long-term relationship satisfaction.

Through these steps, the Gottman Method helps couples enhance their relationship by improving communication, resolving conflict, and fostering a strong emotional bond built on respect, trust, and understanding.